Nurture Emotional Intimacy: Resolve Conflicts Effectively
It can be worth the work
Intimacy is the level of connection each partner feels toward the other. There are many ways people connect and bond. These areas can include physical attachment, emotional attachment, sexual compatibility, intellectual connection, and empathy.
Relationships are intricate webs of emotions, desires, and needs. Most individuals desire the security of a committed partner yet also value their independence within the relationship. Each partner brings unique needs and communication styles, often rooted in their family and cultural backgrounds. These differences can lead to misunderstandings and arguments, as each partner believes their approach is correct.
Partners in a relationship may use similar vocabulary or phrases but interpret them differently based on their experiences. These differences in understanding can lead to conflict and misunderstandings. Over time, unresolved conflicts can diminish feelings of love and connection and escalate into arguments. Years of such discord can severely damage the relationship.
Childhood sore spots or triggers, as we’ll refer to them, are emotional wounds from past experiences that can be problematic in relationships. One partner can innocently do or say something that triggers these old wounds. Usually, one knows they have hit the other’s trigger because the triggered person’s anger goes from 0 to 60. One person triggers the other partner, and they are off and running into a big fight.
The trigger seems to create the same core argument repeatedly. In childhood, some children encounter trauma, and others often suffer harsh words or experiences in their family of origin. Therefore, many couples frequently have the same core argument. Innocently, one partner can express or behave in a triggering manner that strikes the other old injury, and they can get furious. Usually, when someone gets very angry, it is a sore spot from childhood or another traumatic experience. For example, when someone gets extremely angry when criticized, they could be attacked a lot as a child. Other triggers could be feelings of abandonment, rejection, or inadequacy.
Triggers can be used to learn more about each other and develop increasing emotional intimacy. The following steps help people work through triggers and learn about each other more deeply. All people have triggers, and we are all human.
The Process of learning about each partner triggers.
Wait till each partner has discharged their anger.
Create a safe space for open communication and privacy so it is conducive to understanding each other’s triggers.
When both partners feel secure and ready to have a heart-to-heart conversation, they can unravel the complexities of their triggers, fostering a deeper emotional connection.
It is best if one person talks at a time. If the other person has questions, it is best to write them down.
Sometimes, it’s best if each person can ask deep questions. This depends on each person’s ability to discuss their past. When either partner senses a charge of anger rising within, they must excuse themselves from the discussion and let their partner know they need time before continuing. Everyone takes a specific amount of time to defuse the charge of anger. Each must wait until both are ready to talk.
Essentially, each partner must listen to the other and trust that their partner is speaking their emotional truth.
If a word is unclear to the listener, inquire what it means to the other. Often, the exact words have different meanings for each person.
Wait until the first partner finishes. Try to be supportive and empathic. For example, the second partner might start their part of the conversation with; My intention was not to hurt you when I said the words that upset you.
When the second partner finishes, the first partner might discuss how the words or actions were a childhood wound. These discussions help build emotional intimacy.
This can be a long process just talking about anger triggers. If the Process works for the two of you, it can go into other parts of intimacy, such as sexuality.
Thoughts
Some people are surprised by what others think. It takes a while to understand the other, but I have seen couples do the work, and the relationships become more harmonious.